This week I’m sharing…
A story about control disguised as care
I was coaching a couple this morning (exciting, this is a new service I am offering) and I kept noticing something.
They were talking about a family member who is going through a rough patch. And I kept hearing them use words like “she should just…” and “I need to get her to…”. Which sent an alarm bell ringing in my head.
On the surface, it sounds like they have her best interests at heart. They want this person to have a happy outcome and they are invested in helping that happen.
And I totally get it. It’s hard to care so much for someone, and be really good at problem solving, and not assume that we know best. Especially when so often, others do look to us for practical and emotional support. I know if you are here reading this then that is something you are really good at doing too.
The thing is, when we take responsibility for someone else’s problems, it creates three issues:
1. It can cause resentment on both sides. We become resentful because they don’t appreciate or follow our advice. They become resentful because they feel judged and like we are trying to control them.
2. It’s exhausting. We spend so much energy on them that we don’t stop to consider what it is doing to us and if that is really necessary.
3. Our “help” can actually be enabling them to feel more disempowered. As long as we’re swooping in to save the day, they don’t have to take responsibility.
If this is resonating, I want to suggest you reflect on two things.
Firstly, what is your relationship with control (being controlled or being in control)?
Secondly, how could you show care to someone without taking on responsibility for their choices?
Be BRAVE to answer these questions honestly.
Be BRAVE to start changing how you support others.
